I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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