so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
