Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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