I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Randomize
