Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I have fence marks all over my body
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
