i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
