I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
