I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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