got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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