His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
