If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
a search helicopter?!
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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