I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
