awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize