Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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