I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
