Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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