He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
