So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
The best revenge is premature balding
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
