You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
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Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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