Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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