You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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