Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
