i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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