"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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