Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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