Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She bit a glass in half.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
