He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
