I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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