Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
