A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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