I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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