he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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