I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
