Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Randomize
