I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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