the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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