I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
