make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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