Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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