Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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