Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
