I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
