i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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