i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
