why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
