He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
