there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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