Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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