if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
