I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
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