Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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