He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
