I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
