So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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