It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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