Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
