I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Randomize
