I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
